A Week Out of London

Last Saturday Daddy and I boarded a National Express coach for Bristol.  The trip that was supposed to take two and a half hours took three and a half hours.  We arrived, chilled out, ate dinner, and Daddy and I made plans to go to Bath.  Those plans did not work and instead we hung around the house, walked to Sainsburys (if I remember correctly), and I got to skype with Becky and Chris : )  That was SO exciting!!!!

The River Avon

Monday morning I woke up bright and early and Daddy and I prepared to go to Baaath.  The bus ride was a tad longish but we passed by beautiful countryside!  We arrived and at first were a bit at a loss as to what direction to walk.  Well, we headed toward the city centre where I decided to pop into a few shops to look for a dress for the wedding!  I found one and headed off to find Daddy at Starbucks.  As I walked I was amazed at the beauty of  the town.  It was incredible!  The Starbucks was in an ancient building!!! It was two stories and absolutely beautiful!  We walked around the centre, along the River Avon, took photos of the garden, shops, streets, etc.  I found an adorable little boutique with ADORABLE umbrellas....I think I may have to start an umbrella collection! 

Oscar the Cat

I bought a map and we began to figure out how to get where we wanted to go.  After wandering a bit and poking around shops, petting a cute kitty outside a pub, and seeing some cool masks we began walking in the direction of the Royal Crescent.  Well, in order to get there we had to walk by so many inviting shops.  Yes, I had to pass them by.  Well, most of them.  BUT, next time, I will go back strictly for shopping purposes ; )

The Royal Crescent

We made it to the top of the hill and saw this circular set of buildings.  I thought that was the royal crescent.  Nope, we walked some more and saw it.  I must say, it is beautiful.  There is a hotel in part of it.  I must look up the prices.  That is where we met John Cleese.  Turns out, I don't know him from Monty Python (I knew that), BUT I do know him because he was in the BBC version of the Taming of the Shrew (one of my favorite Shakespeare plays). 

The Royal Victoria Gardens

We then walked through (briefly) the Royal Victoria Gardens before making our way back to the City Centre to find some lunch.  Just as we began to eat our lunch, outside, it began to POUR rain.  Out came my brolly (there ya go, Mama) and we huddled under it for shelter from the downpour.

We then decided we had had about enough and headed back to Bristol.

Tuesday came around and we went to the bookshop where I bought more books, including, for two pounds, the complete works of Dickens in one volume (I need to double check and make sure they are all there).  Either way, the book is beautiful and it was a great bargain!  Oh yes, on the way home I bought some CUTE CUTE shoes for the wedding.

My Leg Room ; )

Wednesday we prepared to head off into the wild grey yonder for WALES! 

Of course it was raining and I did not have my wellies.  I had practically no leg room ( I managed).  And, it was BEAUTIFUL! 

We arrived at the castle and it was closed.  So, we peeked around and began searching for our cottage.  VERY long story short, we found it.

At St. Briavel's Castle!

Then, back to the castle where I saw my aunt and step-grandmother for the first time in about 10 years.  I met loads of people and then hung around until it was time to go to the church for the rehearsal. 

**Side note: I wore flip flops the whole time.  Even in the rain.  It was interesting.**

The George Pub!

Anyway, then Daddy and I watched the rehearsal and headed up to the pub where we were supposed to be eating dinner.  They were not prepared for 15 people because it was a tapas (snack) night.  BUT before Daddy and I found this out we had already ordered drinks.  So, everyone else arrived and ordered drinks to and THEN we trooped up the hill to another pub that was not ready for almost 15 people to come and eat.  BUT they did serve us our food, an hour after we ordered it.  The bride and grooms food came last because apparently it had never been ordered.

Making Cupcakes!

Thursday dawned bright and early.  Daddy and I got ready and headed back to the castle where a busy day ensued.  I arrived and they were putting together the beautiful cake tiers.  Then, I helped unwrap the tea cups (THAT was a fun job!). Then, I ironed.  Then, I got to help decorate the cup cakes = )  Then....I did odds and ends things....like "assist" with the bunting hanging and placing a few tea cups with flowers in them around the castle.  AND, throughout the afternoon most of the rest of my family arrived : )

See!

We headed up to the pub where we HAD made reservations and ate dinner.  They served us very promptly and it was VERY yummy!!! I had my first half a glass of wine that I finished and enjoyed : )  It was a sweeter white wine that went very nicely with my salmon!  All in all, that evening was wonderful! 

Tintern Abbey

The wedding day (Friday) dawned bright with sunshine!!!  Daddy headed to the castle to help with food prep while Uncle Gavin, Roy, and I headed out to do some exploring!  We stopped quite often to take photos and eventually ended up at Tintern Abbey!  Incredibly beautiful!  The whole area is!  Then we visited the Coach House and Stowe Court.  They are two properties that my grandparents used to own.

The Coach House

We headed back to the castle where I helped set out cupcakes and sweets (yes, very enjoyable job).  I asked where Daddy had gone and I was told they had gone to the pub.  THEY LEFT ME!!!  Ok, I calmed down and was like, whatever, they will get me.  Well, it was almost two and the wedding was at three thirty.  We had a 15ish minute drive back to the cottage and I had to get dressed.  I should have remembered, three men won't think of this.  I went up to the pub and when Daddy saw the time realized, oh, we need to go, Kirsten will need to get dressed.  Well, we left 5 minutes later, arrived home, got ready, and were out the door 40is minutes later = )

Family : ) Yes, we missed the "act weird"

 memo.

When we arrived at the castle my aunt, her fiance, and my cousins, and Jess and Bex's boyfriends were waiting : )  It was great to see them all!  I took a quick video tour of the castle and a bit later we headed into the church.  The wedding was a bit late starting but once it did was very lovely!!!  The bride looked BEAUTIFUL!  It really felt kind of medieval!  I mean, an OLD church, a Norman castle. Helloooo!

The Bride and Groom

Afterward we put the remaining food out, toasted the bride and groom, and ate yumminess!

All in all it was a wonderful week, wedding, and family time!

I think I would love, at some point, to live somewhere between Bath and Wales : )  It is so peaceful, beautiful, and amazing there!!!

I am now back in London....waiting.
Below is a walk through of the castle...well part of it. You will have to turn your head sideways through parts of it.

A Day in Baaath

I had the positively most lovely day in Bath (pronounced Baaath. Make a sheep noise and add a "th" to it ; ) ).
Yes, I want to live there.
Beautiful and green hills surround this old town.  It has ancient (from what I can tell) buildings.  I mean, if there are Roman baths then it must be old.  It is the hometown of Jane Austen and also houses gardens dedicated to royalty.  The Royal Victoria Garden was dedicated to Queen Victoria when she was 11 years old and still a princess!
While walking in front of the Royal Crescent in Bath above the Victoria Garden Daddy and I walked by an older gentleman who had a white moustache.  I thought to myself, "He does look like a proper English gentlman."  Daddy and I were looking into a private garden when he saw him and said, "I think that is John Cleese."  He then told me he was a member of the group Monty Python.  Well, we walked over and Daddy asked him if he was.  Sure enough, it was he.  Daddy then told him that Grampaw had helped manage their group and booked their first show outside of London.  However, he mentioned the wrong place.  Then mentioned he was a fan of his wine appreciation.  Basically, Daddy was a little star struck : )  Then, just as the guy was leaving I said hello.  He smiled at me and said hello back.  Well, I met my first celebrity!  No photo, though.  Oh, the funny thing, he was looking for his cat! 
Well, we had a wonderful walk, got caught in the rain, I bought a dress, almost bought two Scottish tams, and had a wonderful day!
I now want to live outside bath and bicycle into town!  Or moped.  I am fine with either one!
Well my friends!  I miss you all!
School is beginning and yes, part of me would love to be there with you!
Much love!

The Week I Have Been Awaiting!

The week I have been awaiting has arrived.

I am in Bristol until Wednesday with Daddy and Wednesday we head off to Wales until Saturday.  We were planning on going to Bath today but have postponed until tomorrow....unless it rains and then I suppose we will go on Tuesday.  As I was looking at what attractions are in Bath I found out that there is a charge for almost everything!  I find that very upsetting!  There is a garden, Prior Park, that I wanted to visit.  There is a very expensive charge (expensive for a garden).  This garden looks like a picture from Jane Austen.  Bath is, after all, her hometown.  Well, we will see what happens.

Wednesday I will perhaps do some cooking and exploring : ) I greatly look forward to being in the countryside and walking down back roads.  I will take pictures!

Adios, Au Revoir, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodnight ; )

The Beginning of the End....Maybe?

Well, today marked the potential last day of me child-minding Jude and Julia.
What a day it was.  Three loads of laundry, a pile of books, oh, and they slept till 9 : ), and then it rained on my laundry that Mary was kind enough to take of the line for me!

This evening Mary and I had a girl's evening out and went to Strada for dinner.  It was nice to just get away and spend time together!  I really love her!  She is so wonderful and a great person to talk with and learn from.

I talked with Chris today which was so nice!  Although, it made me miss CIU.  I think once everyone moves in and classes start I will be fine, but between now and then I will continue to miss them from time to time and look forward to returning in the Spring!

I had something funny (I think) that I wanted to put in here but for now it has slipped my mind.  Know what has not slipped my mind?  The fact that is is 10:52 and I have to clean, pack, and put away stuff.  Oh, and make my bed.  This is when I wish I could just blink or wave a wand and have it all happen for me!

I think I hear footsteps.  Oh goodness.  I hope not.  I have not heard Mary and Tim arrive home yet.
Maybe they were not footprints after all.

Continued prayer for what God has in store for me this upcoming semester is requested and greatly appreciated!  I really just want to know so I can make my plans accordingly!

For now, this is all.

Ode To Christmas

I watched a Christmas episode of the Walton's.  Needless to say, I have been imagining the snowy mountains of Virginia for a while.  I look forward to walking into my grandparents house with the tree in the front room, yummy smells wafting through the house, family laughing, children playing, and yummy goodies everywhere.

As I write this I am drinking a hot chocolate concoction I made.  Hot chocolate mix, cadbury cocoa, a dassh of vanilla, cinnamon, canned milk, and hot water.  Delicious, although it could use some more chocolate.


Yes, I am ready for cold weather.  Bundling up to stay warm.  Snow!  Cozying up and chatting with friends.  Playing games!!!  Oh, I am so ready for the Christmas season!

Three Days Left

I have three official days of watching Jude and Julia until I am finished.
Daddy arrives on Tuesday and I will see him on and off for a couple of days.
Friday he will spend part of here and then Saturday we will adjourn to Bristol where we will stay until Wednesday when we leave for Wales.  Sunday Daddy and I will take a bus to and go to Bath (pronounce Baath ; ) ).  I have never been to Bath and am looking forward to it very much!  Wednesday we go to Wales and I will have countryside to my hearts content : )
Sunday Daddy will leave and I will stay.
This coming week holds a lot of unknowns.
Friday was my unofficial official last trip into London.
This weekend has been very relaxing and old movie filled : )
I have been thinking a lot and planning even more....well, maybe.
I have been homesick and missing friends some.
Part of me wishes I could be returning to CIU, but I know it is not time, yet.
Prayer that I would make the right decision and trust God would be very much appreciated.
I am SO excited to see what is going to happen.

Anyway, much love to you all!
Really, I wish I cold express how blessed I am with the many family members and friends I have!

Moments

The past five days have been filled with moments.  Sad moments, happy moments, sentimental moments, thoughtful moments, old fashioned moments, family moments, etc.

I having been watching The Walton's.  Seriously, I absolutely love this show!  The simplicity and depth to the family and the show are just wonderful!  It motivates and inspires me to want to do different things.

Yesterday the kids and I went blackberry picking.  Oh, the bushes were laden with ripening red berries and ripe blackberries!  Deliciousness!  We picked between eleven and twelve cups of them!  The whole time I kept thinking about Kae and Lacy and Becky and their love of blackberries.  Kae Lacy has taught me so many things!  She taught me to sew, to bake, to measure, to make grilled cheese sandwiches, to hang clothes on the line, to fold laundry (I think), to play Crazy 8's, and oh so much more!  Well, I was thinking about the night my brother was born, the other day.  That night I was at Kae Lacy's.  We were making blackberry syrup.  So, today, the kids and I are going to make blackberry syrup!!!

Daddy arrives in 6 days!

A More Serious Day.

I don't know how many of you have heard about the 10 Medics who were killed in Afghanistan but I knew one of them.  I did not know him well but I remember him very clearly as a Senior Counselor at the camp I went to and worked at.  He taught mini-bikes one one of my years there.  We had to make up a name and Ashley was helping him so one of the girls created the word "Bri-Ashley."  I didn't know him well but I am pretty shaken up by it all.  I keep tearing up but feel selfish for crying because it is just emotion.  I know that sounds redundant.  I think part of it is, today I was at the National Gallery and many of the early paintings portrayed martyrs.  I was thinking a lot about martyrdom.  What it would be like.  Would I be able to stand in the face of death and stand strong in the Lord?  What emotions would I feel and what thoughts would go through my head?  To be perfectly honest, I really don't want to think about it.  This young man, full of life, on a mission helping people.  Now, he is no longer here.  Yes, he is in Heaven.  It is so hard to think about.

***Correction:  According to several news sources there is speculation on whether or not it was the Taliban or bandits. Just to clarify in case something else comes out in the next few days.  The press or Afghanistan could be trying to cover up or it could legitimately have been bandits.  Honestly, we may never know.  This is just me thinking, and seeing as I am across the ocean from the people who have close info....well yeah.

If you are reading this and you knew him, please know, I have prayed for you!

Funny, I have been planning on writing about my day.  Now, it does not seem so important.  Nonetheless, I will briefly highlight it.  I leisurely made my way into London, slipped on ice cream someone dropped, saw "Some Like It Hot" in the theatre at the National Gallery, walked through the gallery, got to my favorite room just after hearing a muddled message about closing time, glanced at the Monet's, left, looked out at Trafalgar from the balcony, listened to a man preaching and watched the funny looks he got, bought an ice cream, ate my snackish meal in the park next to two guys with an Armani bag, came home, found out Brian had been killed.

Now processing a lot of stuff while watching the Walton's on and off.

Travel Plans

As many of you know, I am a planner.  I LOVE making plans.  Seriously, it is invigorating!  Especially when those plans happen.

My most recent plan.  How to get to Germany.  I mean, the possibilities are ENDLESS!  Plane, coach, train, a combination, OR via another country!

It all began when I found a lovely price on a train ticket from Paris to Regensburg.  So, thought I, why not visit Paris before going to school.  Well, Paris is expensive.  While it is not ruled out the thought just hit me, why not Greece?  And, why stop there?  Why not any other country in Europe?  I might as well have a little exploration under my belt...I mean, come on!

So, I am checking with friends to see if they have family or friends I might be able to stay with and I am checking hostels and hotels.  Although, here is my deal with hostels.  In my romantic mind I like to envision myself relaxing in the evening in my own room after a long day of exploration NOT wondering if I am going to wake up in the morning.  Ok, maybe that is a little morbid, BUT the thought has crossed my mind.  So, we shall see.

I am just thinking and trying to figure out the next step : )

Oh, I am already seeing the dire need to acquire the ability to speak more languages!

Blogging Boredom aka Musings of Me.

When I am bored or don't want to do what I really ought to (the dishes) I get the urge to blog.  I just want to write.  I enjoy writing and when something pops into my head I want to write about it!

The past few days have been absolutely wonderful and I keep thinking about old fashioned things.  I want to discuss a lovely show called The Waltons.  I love this show!  I was raised on it.  I found a channel on YouTube that has lots of episodes!  I love it!  The simplicity of mountain families.  The love and support they show each other.  The realistic events that happen to them.  It is all so simply wonderful!  The extra awesome thing:  The real Walton's Mountain is about two hours from my house!

Last night it was raining.  I so wanted to be in a little cottage with the windows open, a fire in the fireplace, a good book, a good movie, a quilt, a cup of tea, some cookies, and a cat in the middle of a clearing with a garden and a fence with a field and woods all around!  Oh yes, and candles!  Now, does that not sound perfectly splendid?  I thought so.

For now I settle for a house outside London with a lovely garden and a horse in the field at the back of the garden!  The weather is positively beautiful!  There is a cool breeze floating through the air.  As the days shorten the weather cools.  August is here.  Soon, very soon I shall be in the Welsh countryside.

I have a Julia attached to my arm.  Well, not anymore.  She is just like a little cat.  Seriously.  She snuggles so much!

I have several books that need my attention as well as two children who are playing "I Spy" with me while I write this.  Oh yeah!  Multi-tasking!

P.S.  I wish Lenae would still blog : )

Sweet English Blackberries : )

Music has this ability to change my mood in such a crazy way.  I am listening to a mix of theatrical music.  And Disney music.  And other music.  A Whole New World is playing.  I love this song.  I have special memories from it.  Anyway, that is what I am beginning this blog with.

Now, today I began watching the children at noon.  I was not sure what the day was going to hold.  We were planning on going to the park.  This has not happened.  Rather, they played, I did laundry, it drizzled, I read about Germany, we read a few books together, and then we decided to put on our wellies and pick blackberries = )  This was, indeed, a fantastic idea!  I was wearing my long and flowing white skirt with me wellies.  It was a romantic outfit.  I felt I could be ready to tackle any blackberry bush thrown my way with my beautiful wellies and romantic, novelesque skirt.  Well, off we trooped.  Wellies, bowls, and my camera to document our little adventure : )

I have been longing for a good thunder storm.  Of course, as we are walking I hear thunder in the distance. We kept going, though.  We picked and picked.  Jude was having more fun pointing out the berries to me so I could pick them rather than picking them himself.  Granted, many of the berries were out of their reach but some of them, they just didn't pick...

I got up to my waist in blackberry bushes.  My legs are itchy.  I really need to shower.  Anyway, finally the thunder got rather close and the clouds were rapidly darkening.  I explained to the children that when there is thunder lightening is near by and it is not safe to be outside.  However, I really wanted some more berries.  So a few more minutes passed and then we left.  Then it really started raining!  Oh it was grand and romantic walking through the rain carrying berries and tending to two children in my skirt and wellies.

We made it home looking a bit drippy.  we then washed the berries and I began to teach them how to make a Blackberry Crumble!  Oh, I just thought back so fondly to my childhood when Kae Lacy taught me how to measure, scrape the excess flour and sugar off the top of the measuring cup with the flat side of the knife,  and how to keep the food germ free by not licking the the spoon till the end and washing our hands before we begin and if we sneeze half way through : )  She did a far better job than I did!  I had the most wonderful instructors growing up!

Julia and Jude helped me put the blackberries in the baking dish, scatter sugar on the blackberries, and then mix the topping.  Well, see, I thought I put an awful lot of sugar on the blackberries.  That is because I was supposed to put half in the crumble topping.  After I put the topping on and tasted it I remembered.  Bah.  I scattered some sugar on the top and pressed it in.  It didn't work too well.  I will hope for the best in overall flavor!

The kids have been wonderful today!  I have so enjoyed our time together!  Today has been especially special.  I am not sure why.  An answer to prayer it is for sure!

The children are playing in the back garden.  I just saw the foxes run in the field behind our garden.  I feel as if I ought to be a scene in a novel today.  I love it!

Oh, I looked out the window earlier and saw Jude holding a bird!  I thought it was alive.  It was the bird living under the mint that Mary sprayed with the water last night because she did not know it was under there.  Turns out, it was dead.  I scolded him and explained why you NEVER pick up dead animals and then we washed out hands!!  I took the shovel and scooped it up.  It is sitting in the shovel waiting for Mary to get home.

That is all for now : )

Ok, 10 minutesish later.  I walked into the kitchen looking for the cobbler.  I didn't see it anywhere.  I thought to myself, did the kids take it somewhere?  OH NO!  I forgot!  I had put it back in the oven to back a little longer.  Oy, well, I tasted it and it tasted good : )  All is still well!

The Crumbly Cobbler turned out well : )

Facebook has now been updated with photos, as has my blog!

Now, for that movie I have been meaning to watch....if I can make myself sit still to watch it!

A Book

I finished the book "Good Wives" tonight.  Oh my goodness, it was fantastic!  I have this great love for Louisa May Alcott and her writing.  Reading this piece of literature, which reflects herself and her family, I believe, was very enlightening.  I have not read it in such a long time.  I have not read Little Women in so long either.  There were lines and paragraphs scattered throughout that show, I think, the battle between what she was taught (her tutors where the famous existentialists we study in school) and Christian beliefs.

There is one section in the chapter "A Friend" that reveals Jo's lack of knowledge in the area of Philosophy.  She is enjoying hearing the arguments going back and forth and then realizes all these men are taking apart religion and putting it back together to fit them.  Mr. Bhaer did not agree with any of the men but did not want to give any input.  However, when he was called upon to speak he did.  In fact, his words, although no one agreed with him, made the world right again in the eyes of Jo.  As she said at the end,


"Somehow, as he talked, the world got right again to Jo; the old beliefs that had lasted so long seemed better than the new.  God was not a blind force, and immortality was not a pretty fable, but a blessed fact.  She felt as if she had solid ground under her feet again; and when Mr. Bhaer paused, out-talked but not one whit convinced, Jo wanted to clap her hands and thank him."  


I think a lot of that echoes how I feel much of the time.  I cannot put the words together on the spot to say something that I believe in, and when someone else can, and although I may not fully understand, I know it is true,

I feel as if I can relate the greatest to Jo and Amy.  They are the second and fourth daughters in this family.  Jo is a rough and tumble with no manners girl who would rather be tramping through the woods with the boys.  Yet, she has an extremely active imagination that is always creating stories!  If you had not guessed, I feel as if I relate with the imagination part.  Amy is very creative and lady-like.  She loves pretty things and society.  Yes, I feel as if the two of them combined would reflect part of who I am.

This book, and books like it, cause me to think and want to do something with myself.  They are always mending or sewing, writing or creating, helping and loving each other.  I want to do that.  I wish our world was more like it was then.  At least the way it was written.

Another wish I have, I wish life had background music.  It makes everything far more romantic to have a feeling song that fits the moment and creates the mood playing in the background than sirens blasting, horns honking, and buses driving by.

I have realized, if I did not catch myself, I would never fully live in reality.  Yes, I escape often enough, but God has placed me here and I do not want to waste my life.  I want to be productive and do something!

Below is the link in case you are interested in reading it!  I highly suggest it!

http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=kTX4CBk1o4YC&printsec=frontcover&dq=good+wives+by+louisa+may+alcott&hl=en&ei=bUVXTNrcCJSt4Abj4ImnBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

A Day At The Museum

I am worn out.  Not as much as yesterday, though.

Jude, Julia, and I went to the Natural History Museum in South Kensington.  Ok, let me just say, I would not mind living in Kensington.  That being said, I will now move on.

We bused and tubed and walked to the museum.  Stood in line and began our way around.

Ok, another side note.  Reasons to homeschool: You can visit these places while all the tourists and school children are IN SCHOOL.

Yes, it was extremely crowded but we made do.  The last time I was at this museum I was around Jude's age.  We ate lunch in the same lunch room Auntie Michele took us to to eat lunch : )  There was even a kid there wearing a Luke Skywalker shirt who looked a bit similar to Iain when he was a kid!

We saw some awesome exhibitions including a giant earth that the escalator took us through and a giant blue whale that was still hanging where I left him 14 years ago : )

Jude kept talking about how cool the new earth was!  It reminded me that one day there will really be a new earth.

Anyway, they had this ridiculous display on Darwin and why we are actually Apes, etc. etc. yada yada yada.  Ri-Dic-U-Lous!  I had to explain this to Jude and Julia.  It fries my brain that this stuff is taught at fact, when it is, in fact, not.

Anyway, we finally left after looking at the rock and mineral room.  The US Natural History Smithsonian is way better in that respect.  We have the Hope Diamond : )

We left in search of ice cream.  After two tube rides we were on the bus and passed The Golden Arches.  I didn't want to stop but had told the kids we would get ice cream.  So, after a moments thought, we hopped off and got ice cream : )  It was yummy.  Now, we are home, I am off-duty for a while.

Home.

Home.
What is it?
I find myself calling many places home.
Home is where I am staying at any particular time.

I just arrived home from my Grampaw's in Bristol.  I had a lovely time just spending time with him!
I am exhausted, now.  I met an interesting fellow on the bus ride home.  We talked about many things.

Thanks to him, I was able to arrive home a good 15-20 minutes earlier, at least, than I would have otherwise.

I picked up a lot of books yesterday.  I carried them all home today in an older suitcase : )
I have been reading "Good Wives" which is the sequel to "Little Women."  The March family has influenced me so much.  As I read I see myself in Jo and Amy, especially.  I absolutely LOVE this book soooo much!

It makes me want to write a book, then I wonder, how can I write what has already been written?  Just something to ponder.